Sunday, August 31, 2014

Combating the Lies

This post was on an old blog of mine, but I think it gives great insight into where I was when I wrote it seven months ago, and how I am still struggling with some of these things, but yet have had tremendous growth and healing in my heart since then. It is also so fun to be able to look back on circumstances like this and see how far God has brought me. Who would have thought I'd be where I am today after reading the post below? It is filled with so much brokenness and uncertainty, but I serve and am loved by a merciful, forgiving, understanding, and comforting God who goes with me through the pain and heartache and insecurity and still chooses to love me and provide for me. Below you will find a post that was extremely difficult for me to write and share with the world, but also extremely freeing.

February 10, 2014

Here's to another life update.

I've been going to Career Counseling, yes, Career Counseling. Apparently I overwhelmed my Career Advisor and she told me to seek counseling for it..? I don't know, it was also her last day on the job so that could've had something to do with it. BUT, it's not all a waste.

Today my counselor finally got through to me and I broke down crying. She said she noticed that my emotions were more tied to my vocational desires than what I let on. And being able to say things I've been keeping to myself was extremely freeing. I told her about my past relationship and how belittling and emotionally abrasive he was. Always telling me that my major is a joke and the only reason I had a 4.0 was because I was JUST an art major. That when he broke up with me he said he didn't like me anymore (and hadn't for a while) and never wanted to date anyone like me again. He tore down my dreams of being a stay at home mom and raising a family and didn't understand why I didn't feel the need to contribute an income to my spouse and family and didn't desire a career.

All of these things and here I am about to graduate from college.

The constant lies I live with because of this 13 month relationship squelch me daily. I go to an interview and think "I'll prove him wrong" but then I don't hear back from them, or don't get the internship and all I hear is his voice saying "I told you so, you aren't good enough". The fact that I want him to look me up someday and see my progression in society and how "far I've come" scares me. The weight he still holds over me after 6 months of no communication with him is an awful feeling.

The fact of the matter is, I don't have to prove myself to him, or to anyone. God has already chosen and loved and sent His Son to die for me. He is already ahead in July and knows my path and where it will be in the coming months, even if July feels like a looming black hole with no future.

I'm not using this to say everything I did in the relationship was right and everything he did was wrong. It is definitely a two-way street. But, since the breakup God has shown me His love and comfort and my need of Him and nothing and no one else. I have grown tremendously in the past 6 months even with the insanely low lows and the lonely dark nights.

So. Here I am. Trying to prove my worth to an ex-boyfriend I haven't spoken to or heard from in 6 months by tweaking my resume and building my business wardrobe (which is pretty slammin' if I do say so myself). An ex-boyfriend who couldn't care less about my success in society or what I do with the rest of my unfortunate life.

These realizations I've had today (what I said and told my counselor, and what I type now, that may or may not be appropriate to put on the internet, but at this point I know I have nothing to prove or lose) I want to start speaking more truth into myself and surround myself with community that I crave. I haven't spoken to many people about these deep cutting lies and fears, and the few I have are just the surface. Personally, I feel like talking to someone about a guy that was "so 6 months ago" comes off as needy and pathetic, because that is exactly what he would say and think about it.

Another thing I realized is how worthless it makes me feel being surrounded by people who have all the things I thought I would have during this time in my life. They have the internship, and the fiancĂ©, and the promise of a future. No I am not envious of them. I actually am extremely happy for those people, but use it as a means of degradation to myself.  because, come on, who would ever want to hire or date someone like me, right?

As I think about the internship I may or may not get, and the job I am applying for right now that I am under qualified for on paper, I can humbly say that I can do what they require of me. And I know that I would be the perfect fit for the internship and it's their loss. But that's easier said than done. I'm fearing how I will feel after I get the phone call that I did not get the internship. How am I not supposed to take that personally?

It's so hard to convey how great I would be on paper. Like... Here is a white piece of paper with words on it, hire me. And I don't know if I'm doing an interview right or not. What if I do a huge no-no in my interviews, what if I sit wrong, or breath wrong, or I'm wearing the wrong color blouse? I seriously don't know.

Other worries that consume my mind are whether or not Grad School would be a better option, which, if you know me, you know I dislike school very much. And the fact that I just got off the phone with my mom, after she talked about how depressing and hard and miserable job searching is, and all the fears and anxieties and lies returned isn't fun.

So yay. Yay for being under qualified for all these job openings requiring three years or more experience. Yay for my inability to find entry level jobs ANYWHERE. Yay for not having any experience, like an internship, or any type of job related to the art field.

Yay for having a Creator who personally and intimately knows my desires. Yay for an omnipresent God who goes before me and knows where I am going. Yay for having the faith of our forefathers and following in Abraham's footsteps with going and not knowing the destination.

I have no idea what opportunities will present themselves to me by May, or July when I come back from Israel, or even what phone call I may or may not get tomorrow. I have also rambled on for long enough and shed more than enough tears to last me for a while. And, I'm proud to be an art major dang it! Even if it means I can't find a job right out of college. God has me exactly where He wants me...

Here's to a post where I vomit all my emotions and insecurities on the internet!

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive his inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8

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