Sunday, August 31, 2014

Pursue to Woo

I think it is time for another personal post. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. To understand, you need to know where I am coming from, so, if you haven't already, read a previous blog post I wrote about seven months ago and then come back and read this one. I promise, it's worth it. Or, if you remember that post, already know my heart and past, or just don't want to read it, you can just keep on chuggin' along on this post.

I have been blessed with many opportunities to travel during my life, but, each time I do I learn something new about myself. That's the funny thing about traveling, you not only discover new adventurous and beautiful places around the world, but you discover a part of yourself you wouldn't have otherwise. As I sit here in London and think of all the ways traveling has changed me, I am excited and frightened by my upcoming year.

A huge thing I have dealt with the past year is my singleness. One of the many conversations I have had with my friends on this subject was about how there are no good biblically based books on how to deal with your singleness during the "ugly stages". Everything I've read about singleness only talks about how it's "a gift from God" and a "blessing", amongst other things. Sure, I think you need to get to a place where you believe those things (I am almost there), but when my ex broke up with me the last thing I ever thought was, "this is God blessing me". Yes, I had to run to God to begin to deal with it, I had to seek out counseling and community amongst friends, but I never viewed it as a "gift", and I still have trouble thinking of it in that light. Some things I will tell you about my singleness: It has brought me closer to God, I literally could not have come through the past year without his understanding and forgiving guidance. It has empowered me in a way I never knew was possible. People are describing me as independent and strong, those are not usually words people choose to describe me (try dependent and needy). But viewing it as a gift and blessing is still a work in progress.

Okay, so, if you read my previous post, you should already be able to see how far I have come since February.
1. I didn't get the internships or jobs I was applying for at the time
2. I decided to apply to grad school, got accepted, and moved to London
3. My experience in Israel was life changing and I had the quickest healing experience I have ever had after an ended relationship

Some ways I have not progressed very rapidly in since February (real talk, y'all):
1. Living in Europe as a single woman who also happens to be a hopeless romantic is extremely difficult
2. I still want my ex to look me up and see how far I have come since he told me my degree in art would basically amount to nothing. I'm in freaking London and have the entire world at my fingertips!
3. I still believe the lies he told me during our relationship, although they are not as loud and prevalent in my mind.
4. I am no where near ready to start a new relationship, even though I want one (don't all of us single girls just want a man to hold us after a long tough day? Slash, everyday).

However, I am so quick to forget my Savior. My travels to London have provided me an insight into God's wooing of me daily. His pursuit of my life is not only perfect, but incomprehensible. As if having the opportunity to live, study, and soon work in London isn't enough of a testimony to God's provision in my life, here is an example from just today that is much more personal. I did not want to go to church today, I was making every excuse in my mind why I shouldn't go, thinking of all the reasons I could tell my mom and friends of why I'm not going, or just not go and say that I did, but, my friend texted me first about meeting up, so, reluctantly, I went to church. Talk about God showing up. My friend ended up praying over me, saying she just felt led to, and her words were Jesus to me today and really made me step back and look at how consistently God has been pursuing me daily throughout the past year, but especially the past two months.

He is so tuned in to my hearts desires. I have crazy wanderlust and He made it possible for me to be here, in London. Seriously, there is no way I got here by any of my own doing. So why should I not trust him with such a small thing as my future relationships?

He is my perfect Bride Groom. He knows me better than any man every will, my wants and needs and desires. Actually, He knows me better than I know myself. Seven months ago I had no idea what my future held, where I wanted to be, or what I wanted to be doing. And, here I am loving the life I am living. When I think of being in a relationship, I realize I am already in one. Why do I need a boyfriend or husband when I already have a perfect Groom who provides for me daily in ways no man ever could. Seven months ago no man would be able to tell me what my future held, nor would I be able to trust him to provide my desires. But, God was already here in London with me knowing full well why I wasn't getting those jobs and internships I was applying for in February.

I am also rediscovering my identity. All the lies my ex told me and fed me on the reg are slowly being wiped away by God's truth and love. When I think of His pursuit of me, no man will ever be good enough, sure he could fulfill my physical desires of snuggling up by a window while it rains, or taking me out on a date for high tea, but never could he ever woo me the way my Creator does. And it is with this confidence that I can fully accept my singleness.

So, looking back at where I was in February, a dark, depressing state with no way out, and seeing where I am now, a healing single woman in pursuit of her dreams, I can say that I've come a long way thanks to the difficult work God has done in my heart. The list goes on and on of what man can not and will not be able to do in my life. Only God can heal my heart completely and encourage me daily, never faulting, never ceasing, never demeaning. Am I fully healed? No. Do I still long for the affection of man? Yes. Does living in London have its difficulties? Yes. But, God provides and isn't going to stop providing, of that I have proof (the past 22 years of my life).

As I go to bed tonight and think of what new obstacles and lies I will be faced with tomorrow, I can look back on my past year of singleness and thank God for getting me out of a relationship that was extremely unhealthy, and be grateful for the blessing that I get to experience everyday in my singleness of God's unrelenting fight for my heart. He is always always always providing for me in ways I didn't even know I needed and the sweetness I get from dwelling in His presence is better than anything any man can offer me.


"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways... Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?... If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the lights about me by night,' even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them... Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!" Psalm 139

"For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth he is called." Isaiah 54:5

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married. For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 62:4-5

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God." Psalm 62:5-7

Combating the Lies

This post was on an old blog of mine, but I think it gives great insight into where I was when I wrote it seven months ago, and how I am still struggling with some of these things, but yet have had tremendous growth and healing in my heart since then. It is also so fun to be able to look back on circumstances like this and see how far God has brought me. Who would have thought I'd be where I am today after reading the post below? It is filled with so much brokenness and uncertainty, but I serve and am loved by a merciful, forgiving, understanding, and comforting God who goes with me through the pain and heartache and insecurity and still chooses to love me and provide for me. Below you will find a post that was extremely difficult for me to write and share with the world, but also extremely freeing.
_______________________________________________________

February 10, 2014


Here's to another life update.

I've been going to Career Counseling, yes, Career Counseling. Apparently I overwhelmed my Career Advisor and she told me to seek counseling for it..? I don't know, it was also her last day on the job so that could've had something to do with it. BUT, it's not all a waste.

Today my counselor finally got through to me and I broke down crying. She said she noticed that my emotions were more tied to my vocational desires than what I let on. And being able to say things I've been keeping to myself was extremely freeing. I told her about my past relationship and how belittling and emotionally abrasive he was. Always telling me that my major is a joke and the only reason I had a 4.0 was because I was JUST an art major. That when he broke up with me he said he didn't like me anymore (and hadn't for a while) and never wanted to date anyone like me again. He tore down my dreams of being a stay at home mom and raising a family and didn't understand why I didn't feel the need to contribute an income to my spouse and family and didn't desire a career.

All of these things and here I am about to graduate from college.

The constant lies I live with because of this 13 month relationship squelch me daily. I go to an interview and think "I'll prove him wrong" but then I don't hear back from them, or don't get the internship and all I hear is his voice saying "I told you so, you aren't good enough". The fact that I want him to look me up someday and see my progression in society and how "far I've come" scares me. The weight he still holds over me after 6 months of no communication with him is an awful feeling.

The fact of the matter is, I don't have to prove myself to him, or to anyone. God has already chosen and loved and sent His Son to die for me. He is already ahead in July and knows my path and where it will be in the coming months, even if July feels like a looming black hole with no future.

I'm not using this to say everything I did in the relationship was right and everything he did was wrong. It is definitely a two-way street. But, since the breakup God has shown me His love and comfort and my need of Him and nothing and no one else. I have grown tremendously in the past 6 months even with the insanely low lows and the lonely dark nights.

So. Here I am. Trying to prove my worth to an ex-boyfriend I haven't spoken to or heard from in 6 months by tweaking my resume and building my business wardrobe (which is pretty slammin' if I do say so myself). An ex-boyfriend who couldn't care less about my success in society or what I do with the rest of my unfortunate life.

These realizations I've had today (what I said and told my counselor, and what I type now, that may or may not be appropriate to put on the internet, but at this point I know I have nothing to prove or lose) I want to start speaking more truth into myself and surround myself with community that I crave. I haven't spoken to many people about these deep cutting lies and fears, and the few I have are just the surface. Personally, I feel like talking to someone about a guy that was "so 6 months ago" comes off as needy and pathetic, because that is exactly what he would say and think about it.

Another thing I realized is how worthless it makes me feel being surrounded by people who have all the things I thought I would have during this time in my life. They have the internship, and the fiancĂ©, and the promise of a future. No I am not envious of them. I actually am extremely happy for those people, but use it as a means of degradation to myself.  because, come on, who would ever want to hire or date someone like me, right?

As I think about the internship I may or may not get, and the job I am applying for right now that I am under qualified for on paper, I can humbly say that I can do what they require of me. And I know that I would be the perfect fit for the internship and it's their loss. But that's easier said than done. I'm fearing how I will feel after I get the phone call that I did not get the internship. How am I not supposed to take that personally?

It's so hard to convey how great I would be on paper. Like... Here is a white piece of paper with words on it, hire me. And I don't know if I'm doing an interview right or not. What if I do a huge no-no in my interviews, what if I sit wrong, or breath wrong, or I'm wearing the wrong color blouse? I seriously don't know.

Other worries that consume my mind are whether or not Grad School would be a better option, which, if you know me, you know I dislike school very much. And the fact that I just got off the phone with my mom, after she talked about how depressing and hard and miserable job searching is, and all the fears and anxieties and lies returned isn't fun.

So yay. Yay for being under qualified for all these job openings requiring three years or more experience. Yay for my inability to find entry level jobs ANYWHERE. Yay for not having any experience, like an internship, or any type of job related to the art field.

Yay for having a Creator who personally and intimately knows my desires. Yay for an omnipresent God who goes before me and knows where I am going. Yay for having the faith of our forefathers and following in Abraham's footsteps with going and not knowing the destination.

I have no idea what opportunities will present themselves to me by May, or July when I come back from Israel, or even what phone call I may or may not get tomorrow. I have also rambled on for long enough and shed more than enough tears to last me for a while. And, I'm proud to be an art major dang it! Even if it means I can't find a job right out of college. God has me exactly where He wants me...

Here's to a post where I vomit all my emotions and insecurities on the internet!




"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive his inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The Finer Things in Life

This past week has been filled with a much more lush way of living than I am accustomed to. I have not only consumed a large amount of scrumptious goodies, but have also not so slowly eaten away at my wallet.

A girl I traveled with in Israel just happened to be in London, so she stayed with me the past few days and we had quite the week. We trained to Windsor one day, of which I have dedicated an entire post, and did many other things, like...

Eat breakfast at the top of the shard, which was accompanied by a view of the city like none other!

Go for high tea in the afternoon, I felt like a royal!
My tummy has never been so happy as it was after high tea! Can't wait for my next one!
High tea had my all: Am I doing this right?! Pinky up?
Sprint to a famous cupcakery right before it closes to try their red velvet cupcakes (Yum!!)

Sit on the steps of St. Paul's while casually watching a movie being filmed.
Take the tube to Camden specifically to try a local pie shop.

Shop along Oxford Street on a thursday evening, because we could.

I think I am going to have a wide awakening when school starts. I know it is coming, but, for example, today I slept in, picked up a few things for my room, put the final touches on my room to make it more homey, and finished Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (don't worry, I bought the next book already).
Isn't it dreamy?! It really isn't my room until there are pennant flags hanging on the wall >>>
So, now that I am even more broke (which I didn't realize was possible) and have done quite a bit of tourist London and quite a bit of local London (thanks to my Londoner friends, Adrienne, who I also met in Israel!), I am ready to settle down and get in a schedule, which will come next week!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

A Wednesday at Windsor

Windsor Castle
Today we went to the lovely town of Windsor, with a short stop at the British Museum before we left the city (good thing it's "free", we were there for a total of 45 min). Figuring out the train system in London was fun and such a breath of fresh air after being in the suffocating underground all week. It takes me back to my time in Italy where I trained everywhere for the semester (which happens to be great therapy).


On the train to Windsor
The train was short and sweet. We could see the Windsor Palace perched on top of its hill from afar, and it was an incredible sight to behold.


We popped off the train right at the cutest little outdoor shopping strand.

I mean, HELLO! Can a place get any daggum cuter?!

Not only is it a shopping center, it is a ROYAL shopping center, we are in Windsor, after all.
The train takes you right to the foot of the castle, so we found our way to the ticket counter and were reminded how broke we are. 20 quid for a ticket to the castle! Thats like $35 people! So instead, we crossed the street and hopped on an open bus tour for half the price.

My disapproving face of our bus tour decision while we waited for it to start
Now, I've always had a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to mass transportation of tourists for tourism. But, there were maybe 10 other people on top of the open double decker bus and we were whisked through Windsor and the neighboring cities! It was so fun to be out in the country side and have the wind blowing through my hair once again. It was actually a great experience being driven through the local area of Windsor, we saw things that were too far to walk to (Like Eton College), and would not have seen otherwise.

Eton College. Talk about a strict school, the founding and history of it is so intense, and still functions strictly today.
All the people on this boat were waving frantically as our brightly colored tourist bus went speeding by over the bridge, it probably helped that we were all taking pictures of them.

And more pictures from our bus tour, because I know y'all are all dying to see them...


Windsor Castle is that way! >>>
Windsor Castle!
We grabbed some tea at a local pub, called the "King and Castle", quite appropriate if you ask me, to warm ourselves up after the chilling 50 minute bus tour. Then we hopped the train back to London. It was a quick visit, but got us out of cramped tourist filled London.

Windsor Facts:
+ Oldest and largest castle in the world
+ THE official residence of Her Majesty the Queen
+ Since everything you read on the internet is true, check out more facts here

We went straight from Windsor to Harrod's in London. If you've never been, GO! But, don't expect to buy anything. We went to the new "Shoe Heaven" on the 5th floor and most shoes cost an average of $600 (Yikes!). The store is so lavish and HUGE... seriously, it never ends, it just keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going. We got lost quite a few times, and walking through the floors made my "trendy" outfit feel instantly like homeless rags.

While it is fun discovering London, I am looking forward to next week. I will hopefully be able to get some much needed R+R before school starts, which reminds me, most of my American friends started school this week, or will start next week. How has everyone's first classes been going? Do you like your professors?! Keep me updated!!

Monday, August 25, 2014

Transitions

I am turning out the blog posts tonight. Have the earbuds in jamming to Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" and just moving right along. By the way, love the new song, T.

*Sigh*

My heart is happy and full to be once again living in a foreign city amongst people who have different cultures and accents. London, so far, has been amazing. I absolutely love it. I love the people and the weather and the city and the public transportation and the accents. Can we talk about the fact that I am now living in a place where men's voices are attractive whether or not they themselves are physically attractive. Not to mention the ones that actually are attractive. Talk about single girl problems. And, can we discuss the weather?! It rained ALL DAY today. Talk about the dream!

I have two weeks until school starts, and orientation is just shy of that. Thankfully God has provided immensely and I'm thankful to have this time to reflect of my journey thus far, get my room all cute and situated, and learn my whereabouts. It has been the most relaxing time of this past year, which I need before this oncoming masters degree. It is the quiet before the storm.

Things I do to pass the time, since I know you are curious:

A friend of mine is in town for the week and so we met up with our local Londoner friend yesterday!! We had a cliche pub outing last night and plan to get high tea later this week! I can hardly contain my excitement!

I've never read the Harry Potter books, I know, I know, I have no excuse, but I was one of those kids whose parents wouldn't let them read the books when they came out in 3rd grade. However, now I am in London and can experience them in the best way possible, in British English. So I picked the first book up a couple days ago and am ready for the second.


I've been working on my hand lettering, This reflective time has pulled up a lot of great quotes I forgot or am just now discovering, and I need to be creative sometime now and again. Also, I was picking up a few things for my room and stumbled upon the cutest craft and art supplies store, so I had to buy some paper and markers, it is in my blood.


I have started running again. If you know anything about me, it's that I love to run. However, the past year I have not been motivated to do so for various reasons, mostly concerning my most previous relationship. But, I came to London a new woman! And today was the day my running began again. And what a fine day to start, running in the rain through Kensington Park this morning set my entire day on a beautiful path.

Today is a holiday in London, it is Bank Holiday, so my student hall had brunch (so fancy, right?) and after my run I read some Harry Potter (the Philosopher's Stone edition) and started working on my blog template. It is quite the upgrade is it not?

I have also made some new friends, which have been such a God send. I met an American who works in my student hall who has been an answer to prayer. I met her the day before my family left and I think it was much easier on my mom to leave knowing that I have at least one friend! The amazing thing about the place I am staying is the staff. They are volunteers from all over the world! For example, last night a few of us watched a movie, so, there were two Americans, a Russian, and a South Korean, and I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Everyone has such great spirits here, I can't wait to meet more people. God knew where to put me.

More provision from Him, the location of this place. If you don't know, the area I am is one of the most expensive places to live, but somehow I can afford this place on my meager student budget (which is tighter than its ever been). I also get meals provided, and am only a 7 minute walk from my school, Kensington Palace, and a big shopping street (which will turn out to be a bad thing for my wallet I'm afraid).

But, now I must call it a night, although they were short and sweet, I have updated you on the latest happenings of my life and now you can go about the rest of your day knowing full well that I am content and safe here in good old London town.


The Square Mile

Well, I made it to London safe and sound. Thankfully my family helped me move here and get me settled in. This past week was filled with many a miscommunication and extended periods of sitting and waiting, but we also did some pretty awesome stuff!

We played a few pick up games of football (soccer for all you American readers out there) in front of the one and only Buckingham Palace. We rented a car (which was an experience all on its own) and drove to Stonehenge and the White Cliffs of Dover. We shopped along the lovely strand of High Street Kensington (only a few blocks from my apartment!). We rode the London Eye, toured the British Museum, and rode double decker buses around the city. WE TOURED ARSENAL'S STADIUM!!! We found my University and local super markets. We ate lunch in the backyard of Kensington Palace. And so much more (most of which was my fan running errands with me to get my room situated and last minute things, like a bank account and phone plan, etc.).

Some of my favorite moments from the past week include:

+ Touring the Arsenal stadium!!! I still can't believe they are now my local team. I will definitely be going to a game before my year here expires, even if it means I can't eat for a few weeks.

+ Driving to Dover was phenomenal! Well, maybe not the drive itself, but Dover! Yes! We watched the lights twinkle on in France across the channel and those white cliffs were brilliant!

And, here are some other random photos that were taken while my family was here last week (I know y'all love your photos).







I am so thankful for my family coming over here with me. It has made a huge difference in my transition to living here for the year. More on that to come soon!

An Apology

My dearest friend,

I owe you a deep and very sincere apology. I have taken an extremely long hiatus from blogging and know you long to hear of my adventures thus far in London. Furthermore, I am going through a transition with my blogging, we will see how long it lasts, so I need you to do a tremendous favor for me and just bear with me through this process. It may be difficult at times, but I think together we can endure anything! I also apologize for my writing itself. I am out of practice and will need a few posts (or many) to get over this.

I am sure you have noticed by now that my blog is looking a little bit more cutesy and a whole lot more technologically advanced. Yes, that is right, I spent money on my blog. As I become more serious in my studies and what career path lays before me I hope this will become an asset, and if not, then a grand memoir at the very least. Besides, I am now an official, and proud, owner of my very own undergraduate degree, which happens to be in art, so I decided my blog needs to be some type of professional reflection of my degree.


And so, now that I have established where I am coming from, and you will be the ever so forgiving and understanding reader, we can begin! Do not fret, my friend, for I am back and will be blogging out the wazoo to make up for my lack of posts the past six or so weeks.  


With the utmost humility,

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Lasting Impressions







This week has been filled with many sweet moments as I prepare to leave the community of friends and family that I know and love. Thankfully, one of those friends will also be living in England this next year. As we caught up yesterday about our summers and plans in England he snapped some amazing pictures of me. It is such a relief that in only a little over a month he will only be an hour away by train. Hopefully I can use him as an excuse to get out of the big city! (don't tell him though!) It's amazing to think that last fall we were having coffee and talking about him going to Cambridge and where in the world I would end up after graduation. Now I'll be in England for grad school too and I hope this means a few more fun outings for us!

Yet Another Wedding








What did I tell you? I am in the midst of wedding ceremonies and dancing the night away at the following receptions. Each one is different and unique and this past weekend was no exception. My roommate from Sophomore year of college tied the knot and I could not be more thrilled for her. I met her husband while we were roommates and knew I like him from the beginning when he flew into town (long distance relationship problems) to help her move in and put together her insane contraption of a desk. He was always giving and generous to her from afar and loved experiencing their relationship through an outsiders perspective for that year.

Ladies, here are the details I know you want:

The dress: Drop dead gorgeous, plus the bride has the cutest little crossfit bod to show off the dress in.

The ceremony: I cried, so theres that. This semi-bitter single cried at this gorgeous wedding. The bride and groom were having a ball up there together. Their happiness and radiant joy was easy to see throughout the ceremony

The reception: Amazing bar-b-que! Which was perfect for this Texas girl leaving for London in a few days.

Decorations: Knowing the bride, and our many nights together sitting on the couch sifting through pinterest, I know it would be a cute wedding. It was complete with baby's breath, hydrangeas, burlap, and palette signs. I know right?! Plus it was all DIY because the bride is also super crafty! So fun!

I am so overjoyed that I was able to witness their marriage and see friends I would otherwise only get updates about on Facebook. Yay for weddings getting people out and together to socialize and catch up.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Family Outings


As my countdown to London grows smaller (4 DAYS!!), I find myself thinking of the other family adventures I have had. My family travels often and I grew up taking new adventures frequently. However, my father is too generous for his own good, we usually have an extra family member or two tag along (cousin, aunt, etc.). The last trip I can think of that was just my immediate family was a trip we took to Peru. However, my youngest brother did not accompany us as he was only 6 at the time. I am extremely excited to have my entire immediate family move me to London within the week. It will be one of the few times our family has traveled as just our family, and the prospect of not seeing them for a few months makes it an even sweeter journey!

What is your favorite family vacation memory?